I suffer from depression and anxiety. It was brought to my awareness a few years ago. I would be very sad for weeks and days on end. There were time when my mind just would not stop racing. Its has been so many times I felt like walls were closing in on me and it's dark. Very dark. I felt like things were getting worse and worse. I never really would talk about my depression or the things that was making me sad. I locked it up and acted as if everything was perfect. Deep down I was suffering dramatically.
On November 19th, 2019 I attempted to commit suicide. I never thought I would ever be in a good place to actually talk about. It was around 7pm, and I had been in the darkest place of my entire life. I didn't know where else to go or who to turn to get help. I felt helpless and worthless. I felt like nobody cared when everybody cared. There was very little that I liked about myself and I remember feeling like a dark cloud just waiting to pass. It's a scary place to be in. I prayed and cried over and over again. I couldn't take anymore so, I decided to take a bunch of pain medication. I remember being in so much pain. My stomach and my chest hurt severely. I made my way to my balcony where I was found by my neighbors. They saved my life.
The rode to recovery was tough too. I gained my health back, but mentally I wasn't healthy. It became even harder three weeks later because my brother was shot ten times and killed. I felt so defeated and tired. I remember not having the motivation to do anything. I stopped leaving my house unless I had to. I started to call off of work more and more. I even made the decision to step down to part time. I felt so insecure. It was like the person I once knew had died, and I didn't know who this new person was. I would constantly be afraid of getting worse. I had the biggest fear once I got out of the hospital that I would try to kill myself again. I didn't want that part of me to win.
I would often question myself about if I was crazy, or if I actually deserved to die. I didn't believe I deserved to live. I would get so angry because the one chance that I thought was meant to kill me, didn't and I was still feeling pain. "Why me?" Is a question I asked myself over and over again. How did I end up here? Why didn't I get help sooner? I felt like no one understood. What made it worse was I still would pretend that everything was perfect.
When that level of sad, anger, or even guilt comes; you don't know it's coming. It's all about the decisions you make. The decision to not get help. The decision to not speak up for yourself. The decision to not love your face, your body, your hair, your eyes, your skin tone. The decision to compare yourself to other people. Every decision that you make determines your future.
I decided to share my story because I know it can help someone. We are all here to make the world we live in a better place. Those painful times you have in your life are there to move you to the next level. It won't last forever. It will pass and you will be stronger than ever. Everything is a lesson. I have grown to love myself and my life. Life is so precious. I take advantage of it every single day, and I'm not thankful that I didn't die. I appreciate you reading my story. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay Beautiful.